Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Tuesday is Bluesday

Arrrgh!
Sorry, but that's the way I feel about today. I'm tired, cranky and irritable. Of course, I can feel that still, inner voice within me saying 'let it go Mik, just let it go...' I'm stressed to beat the band. I had a pretty good day at work but I didn't even think about work at all while I was there. My head is swimming in some self doubt, worry about the family and how things will play out there. I see my nephews growing up and realize that I'm getting older and that I'm not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I didn't want to be mega rich or with the envious title behind my name. I just think about where I've been and how I arrived at this point and I'm not real happy with myself. I get mad at myself because I realize that I wasn't willing to put myself through what I needed to in order to get where I wanted to be... and yet I am still going through tough times like others do. Only I am not where I'd like to be and it's a tough pill to swallow because I am not happy with me. I always said that no matter what I was doing, as long as I was happy, I could pump gas, empty garbage, or babble into a microphone... it didn't matter. I could have been better than I am. I should have been better than I am. But I got in the game too late and didn't realize the road that I was on all those years ago was the wrong one. I was all set to ride out the rest of my days alone. But even that got screwed up. I dunno what to think anymore. I'm tired and I've exerted a lot of energy. Most of the energy that I've spent has been in the form of this pity party of an entry that I'm writing. I'm going to call it a night and curl up in my bed and just stare at the ceiling in the darkness until I fall asleep.

3 comments:

Riccie said...

Smile, Mik. You are a child of God, and He doesn't make junk. I'm praying for you.

The Rev. Dr. Kate said...

Pity parties are ok - from time to time we all need one! Life is rarely about getting where we wanted to go in a straight line. Growing takes time and mistakes. And we never get to a place where there are no tough times. It is never too late - if we have faith and are looking for God along the way, God always gets us to where God intended us to go. And God's time table isn't the same as the world's! Think about Abraham and Sarah - they were pretty sure it was too late and God was finished with them - and look where their journey took them! You have no idea where your journey might take you. "Be strong and of good cheer!"
Blessings,
Kate+

Jackson said...

ok rev. kate is the bomb! :) mik, I don't think any of us are where we'd thought we'd be. My dad says it all the time. He thought he'd be ready to retire and have money in the bank, he doesn't. I thought I would've got a college degree and be married and certainly not be living with my parents but whether situations are in our control or not it rarely works out like we plan. Our lives are not our own anyway........