Tuesday, February 01, 2011
A Word About God... and synthesized pop music!
It's been a while now that you've read what I've written for over the last six years. Most of it about my goofy self or my family's struggles. The day after my first entry, my father went to Heaven. What a start... And then we can't forget the bizarre and weird time that was an ex-girlfriend and the nonsense there. But then came the slow development of my faith. Still not completely understanding it all, but knowing that there was something better and I wanted to find it. Then when I thought I was meant to be alone, God put an absolute angel in my path that simply rocked my world. When I thought that my heart was nothing but shredded raw hamburger, she completely turned my world upside down and my heart was not only healed, but restored and came roaring back to life. But God has a sense of humor as it had to happen under the wackiest of circumstances. Then the focus shifted back to my family, in particular, their health. It seemed like every time we would take one step forward, one of us would get knocked two steps back. Reoccurring tumors with Terri. Lou literally getting knocked senseless and suffering from some memory loss to this day. The sucker-punch of Angie finding out that she had breast cancer and her subsequent double mastectomy. Not to be outdone, Terri finds out that she had to have a double mastectomy herself and last Monday, she went under the knife. Now afterwards, they were worried about finding more tumors and that they may have spread. As of this writing, no new tumors have been found. No spreading of the others either. So right now, she's in a bit of a holding pattern. During this whole enchilada, (an a.d.d. moment- what is it with me and food?) I found myself wondering why God allowed this to happen to our family like this. I've never doubted His having a purpose for all of this, but in my mind I kept thinking "when is enough, enough?" I'm sure there's always going to be more peaks and valleys that we all will go through. I kept telling myself to just believe. Love God, I'd tell myself, and He would see us through it. So I did... I tried to do all the right things including prayer. I did them with my heart and yet there were times that I felt something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it. Then, when Terri sent me that text saying the pathology report came back negative, she was so grateful. "God is so awesome" she said. I told my gal pal the good news and she was thrilled. Later, I said goodnight to her and expected to go to sleep because I had to go to work in the morning. But I couldn't sleep. Something was gnawing at me on the inside. So while I was looking at some classic rock videos on You Tube, I was watching a video of a Christian rock band (Petra) and it was at this point that it hit me... It's in the middle of the night and it finally became clear to me. The reason that I felt out of sorts over all of this was that I felt like a doorknob. I wanted to be really mad at Him for allowing this stuff to happen to my family but couldn't bring myself to do that. I was frustrated with everything but I knew it wasn't His fault. But I still wanted to be po'd and figured that He was the only one who could understand. I didn't lash out but it was hard for me to acknowledge my Savior and say "I love you God" when I was feeling so distressed. But finally, through all of this, with a simple text from my sister, and while listening to an over-produced cheesy keyboard laden pop tune, I felt the desire to look up and give thanks and tell God that I loved Him. Not because I had to... because I wanted to. I remembered that He understands our frustration and it's okay to be disappointed and a little ticked. He's been in my shoes and has gone through far more than I will ever know. More than I can ever thank Him for... He wants me to love Him... I love you God... cheesey, awful pop music optional! And then I slept like a baby... And woke up to a lovely beautiful SNOWSTORM!!! Like I said, God has a sense of humor.