Time... It does go by...

Hmm… what a difference three months can make…

It seems like only yesterday, we bid our sister adieu’ at seven in the morning. At the time it seemed like an eternity from the time she went to Heaven, to the time services were held. And that was only a week. It’s been three months today and so much has happened to the family. Obviously the biggest changes have been with Terri. She sent me a text today that simply said “Three months today, and I still miss her”. The difference though with Terri now versus 3 months ago, is that she would mope and grieve three months ago. Now, she’ll miss Lou, feel sad, but she is moving on with life because she asked me how to fix her computer…lol… And she was teasing me about a variety of things so her sense of humor is back and was sorely missed by the rest of us. I think about Lou everyday. I think about her when I see magazines in the gift shop at work… When I’m at the grocery store and I see the grape flavored Propel water. Little things like that. But I remember how full of life Lou was… I don’t wish her back here. She’s in paradise. Why would I take that from her? Three months ago today… seems longer than that but I know Lou would want us to keep going and stop moping. So we’re not moping… just taking time to remember… our precious bull in a china shop… our Lou…

And Before Ya Know It....

So... some good news for Terri... 

She has moved and is now in a much safer neighborhood and away from her crack dealing, former next door neighbor. She is now sleeping through the night and without the light on. She is getting better sleep and looks a lot healthier than when she was going through the time of taking care of Lou. She now is cooking again and the entire family is happy about that!! Our waistlines will once again expand because of her cooking. I couldn't be happier. I talked with her this week and she told me that for the first time in a very long time, she doesn't feel overwhelming pressure trying to drown her. I was joking around with her and in the past it was always me trying to make her laugh. This time it was her showing her sense of humor and looking like she finally, yes finally, was going to find a way to enjoy life. She still misses Lou tremendously... heck, we all do... But now that Lou is no longer suffering and is in Heaven enjoying paradise, Terri is now starting to spread her wings and is now starting to grow... to reach out of her comfort zone and do things she hasn't done before. I love hearing the joy in her voice again. God is good....

Movin' On Over...

I almost forgot about writing a new post...lol... I've been SOOOOO BUSY. Terri is moving because she didn't want to stay in the place where she and Lou called home. It really was eating at her. So we're moving her this weekend. She feels like she's going to be free to do more. I can't blame her for that. She needs to get out more after having spent all these years battling cancer and taking care of Lou. She didn't have a whole lot of time for herself. She's going to have that opportunity now. 

Me, I've been doing a better. Got to spend the last two weekends with the gal pal... She and I had not gotten to spend any kind of quality time with her as of late. She is clamoring for a ring. I guess I'm going to have to give in and do some shopping here in the near future. She has been so good for me and has been there for me at the worst of times. I'm just glad she's been there. It has made me realize just how fortunate I am that she loves a big dork like me...lol... I'll try and update things here over the next week. Thanks for your patience with me...

And Life Goes On...

Howdy... it's been a while but have been trying to pull things back together and get moving on. Terri is really down in the dumps. I went to see her the other day and she told me that she just feels a big hole in her heart and she really misses her sister and best friend. She has cried every day since Lou passed and has lost all interest in the things that used to matter to her. She's trying to be more positive for the nephews and such but as an example, for Easter, she loved to cook and have the family over for a big dinner. This year we've agreed to meet up at my other sister's house for dinner but it's going to be a very hollow feeling. That's how big of a gaping hole that not having Lou here has created. But despite the missing our sister because of how much she meant to us, life still must go on and there have been some nice things that have happened. My hockey team made it to the frozen four at our level and I spent last weekend in Chicago broadcasting the games. We lost but it was a great run. My nephew is back to taking up the electric guitar. My dad and Lou both loved it when he first took up the instrument. He stopped playing for a long time but as of late has taken it back up. It's little things like that stuff that lets us know that life will go on... It's also something that speaks to me that God still is very much a part my life. My little great-nephew whom I affectionately refer to as "the chunk" because he not very long, but is a stocky little guy. He is built like a football... but is cute as all get out... so dang adorable. And that reminds me that life still needs to be lived. He and my other nephews/ niece are the future of our family. And the attitude here is that we're going to keep going and do it for the little ones. But also to help my sister Terri to start putting one foot in front of the other... So she can honor Lou by living a full life...

Trying to Get Back In The Saddle... Again

Hi folks,

Many thanks for the prayers offered up to me and my family. We're doing okay. Not great, not fantastic, but we're doing okay. It's been really hard on Terri because Lou was her very best friend in the whole world. It kills me that when I see Terri, I see a shell of her former self. I can see how the vibrancy has gone right out of her. She is trying really hard to be positive for the sake of the rest of the family, especially the nephews... but it's definitely not the same for her. And she's the strongest woman I know! My family seems to be dealing with it as best we can. But there seems to be a piece missing from each of us. And we all know what or rather, who, it is that we're missing. When we went and met with the pastor of our church to do Lou's memorial service, my other sister looks at me and says "I really don't know how people can go through any of this without having faith". I had to agree. It was pretty rough but knowing where Lou is now, that gave us a great deal of comfort. I can't imagine my life without faith anymore. It has allowed me the wherewithal to accept that Lou is in Heaven and that despite the pain of losing her, I don't wish her back for one second. I don't want her back here suffering. I want her in paradise, enjoying life everlasting. Terri got up during the service and delivered a eulogy for the ages. As a number of folks came up to us and said... "I've never laughed so hard and cried so hard at the same time." That was the effect that Lou had on our lives, day to day. As I said at the service in church, "she's where we all hope to be one day..."

A Punch To The Heart...

A tough entry to write here folks. Lou suffered a heart attack during the night and was rushed to the hospital and they worked on her diligently but could not save her. She passed away this morning at about 7am. She had been through sheer hell and had survived it before. She went through so much suffering and then on the other side of it was able to communicate to us that she was okay. She held on long enough through everything to see her little grand baby for the first time. That made her so incredibly happy. And during the night, she suffered a massive heart attack. My family is in deep pain but the one thing that has helped us a lot is our faith. We are going to go through a lot of pain and hurt over the next week, but we will endure... As you might imagine, Terri is taking it the hardest. They were the best of friends, the "golden girls". Me, I'm still numb and am processing everything that I can. Its difficult to say so long to someone you've grown close to. But I know she would want me/us to continue on and keep going... Going to take some time off from the blog. But I'll check back and let you know how things are going... Pray for us... thanks...

How Sweet It Is (so help me Jackie Gleason)

With everything going on with Lou and Terri, it's been a bit difficult for me to keep myself up to date in the gal pal department. I have been on the road so much over the last few months, that I hadn't gotten to spend much time with her. We spend time every night chatting and talking but we haven't spent much time face to face. My gal pal made that fact very clear to me last week. She understood everything going on with the girls and was trying to be supportive, but I had been neglecting my duties in regards to her. So I had a game on Saturday night that I had to broadcast. Afterwards, I told her goodnight and went to bed. I woke up early Sunday morning and decided to make the six hour drive to go see the gal pal and surprise her as a Valentine's Day present. I got there and knew she and her family would be at church. So I go to the church and quietly saunter in and sit in the back. There were folks who saw me and wanted to say hello but I gave them the shoosh with a finger over my lips and they understood that my gal pal didn't know I was there. I walked over to her after church and said hello. The look on her face was absolutely priceless. It was a look of complete shock followed by tears of joy. I hugged her and each time I tried to break the hug, she just kept hugging me tight and wouldn't let go. I totally stunned her and she was the happiest camper. I got someone to cover me at work and it was blissful for her as I had Monday off and was able to spend a little extra time with her. Everyone told me she seemed a little grumpy last week. I guess her "Mik fix" changed things around considerably... But I learned a big lesson in that I need to pay attention and keep an eye on the boss. Even when I know she's understands what I'm dealing with concerning the girls, the underlying message was that she needed me. And I dropped the ball... but I shocked the living daylights out of her and then on Valentine's Day, I had to go back to work but made sure some flowers, candy, a teddy bear, and some spa treatment stuff were delivered to her... So I figure I've got like a 3 day grace period... lol... But it was all worth it to see the look on her face and then to have her say through happy tears that she loves me... Very much worth it...

Movin' On Over (Tip of the hat to George Thorogood)

Well,
sometimes with the good there is the bad... The good is that Lou was moved from the long term hospital to an extended care facility to do some rehab and work towards getting home. The bad? Well, that's a double whammy. First, the ECF is about 25 miles from her home which isn't too bad but it's going to be harder on Terri who doesn't drive on expressways. She freaks out on them I guess. The ECF is out town and the way there is via the expressway. The worse news is that Terri told me yesterday that she (Terri) went to the doctor and some of the cancer has come back in the lower part of her body and has spread some. Not good. But Terri talked about it matter of factly and was more concerned about Lou than about herself. Typical Terri. And she would in the past seemed worried and sad about it... not this time. She is in a lot of discomfort and pain, but she is more determined than ever to battle this thing. Please keep the prayers coming... She was baby-sitting her nephews and was making plans to cook a feast for the Superbowl and it dawned on me that she has such great faith. I wish mine were that strong... But seeing the family persevere, that strengthens my faith. And with faith comes (dare I say it?) HOPE?

Our Christmas Miracle...

We have gone from making funeral arrangements for her, to making dinner plans for when she might be able to come home. Here is our gal Lou, fresh from nearly buying the farm, (you can't see the the trach in her throat but you can see the blue tubing that goes to it)..... reading her favorite part of the newspaper.... the obituaries!! My family has a warped sense of humor... Or did I mention that already? God works in mysterious ways. I give Him all the credit and praise...

Voices.... I Hear Voices.... (apologies to Russ Ballard)

Sorry it took so long to update... but it was worth it. Lou has continued to confound all of us by slowly but surely continuing to improve. Between September and now, she's nearly bought the farm like 4 different times. She's survived having been given meds that she is allergic to more than a couple of times... yet, in spite of every chance she's had to give up and let go... she's battled through and has endured. That woman is like a Timex in that she can take a (severe) licking and keep on ticking. I really have come to believe that God isn't ready for her yet. I believe He has spared her for an express purpose. New Year's day was awesome in that we all happened to decide to visit with Lou at the same time without telling each other. Lou was in her glory with all of us together, just being ourselves in her room. She has become much more lucid and though she still has great difficulty with breathing, they have tried taking her off the vent for a few minutes at a time. She was taken off yesterday for an hour... They put a plug in her trach so she could breathe through her nose and mouth again. The other part of corking her trach is that by doing so, she could talk. Now Lou hasn't spoke in months, let alone, been conscious and able to coherently communicate with anyone. When the respiratory therapist told her with the cork on her trach she could try talking, Lou shook her head no. She was coughing and then said out loud "I can't talk" and when she heard herself, the look of shock on her face was absolutely priceless. She had eyes as big as saucers and her mouth dropped wide open. I couldn't suppress my smile nor my laugh. I was so glad that I was there to share that moment with her. She then got the shock of her life when her very best friend Nan stopped by and surprised her. Since Lou went out of consciousness and had been completely out of it since last summer, she hasn't really spent any kind of time with Nan and has been missing her since she has been improving. So a couple of days ago, I called Nan on my cell and put it on speaker so that Lou could hear Nan's voice. I served as the interpreter. It really lifted Lou's spirits. So yesterday, Nan shows up and they were just a couple of crying girls. Tears of happiness. I still don't know what the future holds for Lou. But for whatever time we've got, I know she is going to appreciate it... come to think of it, so am I...

A Pretty Good Christmas...If I Do Say So Myself!

Hmmmm... When last we chatted here on my little corner of blog-dom, I was ready to throw in the towel as we figured that Lou would be ready to succumb to her illnesses. There was only one problem in that process... somebody forgot to tell Lou... Someone forgot to tell her that she was supposed to give up. Lou's high fevers have finally subsided and she is still in a world of suffering. But the funniest thing happened: Lou is actually starting to get a little bit better. Her numbers for her ability to get off of the respirator still suck. And though it's difficult for her to communicate because of the trach, she has gotten a lot better with her cognizant skills and we spent Christmas together in the hospital. Our conversations have been lucid and she understands what she's up against. Last week, with Christmas coming upon us, she had nothing in her room to reflect that Jesus' birthday was coming up. So I said the heck with this noise and went and got a 3 foot Christmas tree and took it into her room and spent an afternoon putting it all together. She had a small radio that was playing Christmas music so I started goofy dancing like a big goofy idiot while I was putting the tree up and I look over and she's looking at me and laughing. When I get her laughing, it makes me feel really good... at least until she starts to aspirate on the trach. Then I feel terrible. But it's good to see that smile back on her face. It's hard to see her struggle like she does, and her prognosis is crap... but she's more cognizant and is able to focus and we are able to have great conversations and I've grown closer to my sister. I've learned more about toughness and courage from her in these several months than I ever thought I knew... She really has been our best Christmas gift...

Keeping the Faith...

Hey folks...
nothing much new to report right now. Lou is still hanging on in the hospital. She is one tough lady. She recognizes us and she fades in and out but she still knows us and whispers to us. It was a shock to her though that we're approaching Christmas. She thought we were still in summer. Poor thing. Terri is so apathetic right now as we approach Christmas. This is usually our favorite holiday as a family. Terri is usually the one who gets the most excited (next to Lou) about Christmas. But this year, it's been so hard on everyone that Terri is not even doing her tons of cookies and all sorts baking this year. She's making some cornflake wreaths because those were Lou's favorites but not much more than that. I hope she'll change her mind as we get closer to Christmas. We'll all get together as a family but it won't be the same without Lou. But we must do this for the little ones so they can enjoy it. They don't understand so we are going to make it special for them. Because Lou would be the biggest kid amongst them, getting into the presents, food, and just being a kid. That's what Lou loved to do most... Hope you all have a Merry Christmas (sorry, I'm not politically correct... never have been, never will be!) I will be back on this little goofy corner of the cyber-world before too long...

Update... Post Turkey...

Hey,
Once again, many MANY thanks for all the prayers for me and my family... Lou is still in the hospital, still on a vent. Her fevers have stopped so she has gotten a little better...She wakes up and recognizes us so that's good. She is still on dialysis for now. She has shown some mild improvement but she still knows what's coming. She can't audibly speak because of the trach, but I've worked at trying to read her lips when she tries to talk. I'll never forget when I walked in and saw her. I hadn't been in for a few days because of my schedule taking me out of town. So I walk into her room, and her face just lit up... I'll never forget that look. I went to see her on Thanksgiving but she was out like a light for the whole visit. This time around, she was so happy to see her goofy brother that she had a smile on her face, a little rusty from lack of use. She was able to whisper to me some things. I thought about half a second of trying to put on the happy face and make believe everything was just ducky. But not a chance. I wouldn't want anyone to do that with me, so I didn't do that with Lou. She seemed to appreciate that. I held her hand and was telling her some stories of how my gal pal cracks the whip to keep me in line. Lou was actually laughing. Yes LAUGHING. Again, a little weak from lack of use. She had a smile on her face and I walked out of that hospital with raging emotions. Part of me was just dying inside because I know that somewhere in there, my sister with a passion for life, is still there. And I want her back full time. But I know the reality of the situation. If she continues to hold on like this, we're considering hospice care at home. Terri is adamant about bringing her home eventually if nothing changes and whatever happens, will happen. We know what Lou and all of us are up against. But the one thing that unites us as we continue on this journey... faith... yes, FAITH! Believing in God doesn't mean freedom from troubles. But the ability to deal with the highs and also the lows during troubled times. When I thought about what it was going to be like seeing Lou and wondering how many more times, if any, I'd get to see her. All of that was wiped off my mind and the sight of making her smile and then making her laugh. When I was outside of the hospital doors, out of sight of everyone, I wept. But the frustration of why couldn't she be healed was replaced by the memory of her laughing at me while I was telling her how my gal pal keeps me in line... I'll always treasure that...

Giving Thanks

It's Thanksgiving... You might think there's not a lot in my life to be thankful for... but that would be just flat out wrong! My sister Lou told us she wants us to stop everything. She is in agony and has had enough. We are looking at Hospice and considering some other options. We'll discuss things as a family and make some very tough choices. But I am thankful... I'm thankful we know her wishes and will be able to honor her requests. I'm thankful that while she's suffering, we don't have to guess what to do, thereby saving a lot of angst. I'm thankful that with them implementing hospice care, they can make Lou comfortable for what ever time she has left. Most of all, I'm thankful that we can prepare for what is upcoming. Most folks don't get time to prepare or say goodbye. We get that time... It won't be easy. It never is. But we've got a lot to be thankful for... I hope you and yours have a blessed Thanksgiving. If you don't live in the States, then I hope you have a great Thursday...

The Road Less Travelled...

Things are slowly going downhill for Lou. Her body is slowly starting to shut down. I went to the hospital last night to see her and she never even opened her eyes. She received her dialysis in her room and didn't wake up or anything. She fades in and out, occasionally recognizing us only sometimes, while fading out and staring off into space and closing her eyes and not really responding to us. I sat there looking at her and totally at a loss of what to wish for. Obviously, I want a miracle and get my sister back healthy. If that's not in God's plans, then I don't know what to pray for... should I pray she make it through the holidays for my family's comfort? Or should I pray that she not suffer and be at peace. But I don't want her to leave... Life can really suck sometimes. But the overriding thing for me is that I can't allow my greed to interfere with God's will. I've made my peace and have prayed on it and came to the conclusion that God is going to do what He wants to do and I need to surrender and allow Him to do his thing. And I've got to be okay with that. Not because I have to be... but because I want to be... Today is Veteran's Day/Rememberance Day. It's also Terri's birthday. It's not going to be super festive because Terri is taking all of this with Lou really hard. When Terri was going through sheer hell with all her battles with cancer, it was Lou who was there to help Terri when the rest of us had to work and all the other things that kept us apart for whatever reason. It was Lou who really stepped up and was there for Terri and helped her make it through. Terri had tried valiantly to take care of Lou but it has been overwhelming. So now it's all in God's hands. And Terri is really hurting right now because she sees our sister go through her agony and Terri can't fix it. I've gotten to the point where if it's God's will that she goes home to Heaven, I can accept that and I'm okay with that. My faith tells me that she will be healed in paradise if God calls her home. He can do anything that goes beyond all comprehension. My heart has accepted that whatever His will is, I will be okay with that.

In The Deep Freeze...

Hi folks...
I am feeling much better. Thanks for the prayers. They are much appreciated. Not much has changed around here... everything and everyone is still status quo for the moment. I have been working my butt off and it's been crazy. I had one of those "It was God" moments a few days ago. Terri's big freezer went out on her and she hasn't had another one yet. I figured I would get her one for her birthday and put it on layaway, making payments on it. Well, I had put 140 dollars down on it and got on with the rest of my life. I was driving and my front brakes decided to crap out on me. I knew I didn't have much in the way of money. I was not going to freak out about it and figured I'd milk it for a week till payday. Well, I got a call from the department store telling me the brand of freezer I'd gotten for Terri was being recalled so they wanted to refund my money back and they would let me know when the freezer was available for sale again. So I went and got the money from the store and drove the car next door to a brake shop to get my brakes done. The final total? One hundred thirty-eight dollars and 47 cents. I celebrated by going through the drive-thru at McDonald's and got a McDouble with that last dollar... lol Then I seen an ad in the Sunday paper for a freezer on sale for much cheaper than I was going to buy it for... Coincidence? I DON'T THINK SO...

Rockin...er... Coughing All Over The World

Hey all,
Sorry for not posting in a while. After my last post, I started to hack and wheeze and all the other fun things tied to pneumonia. I have been off work for a week (NO, I am not happy about that!) and have been feeling miserable. At first they thought it was Croup... Croup?? I guess it's making a comeback. Anyway, it turned out to be pneumonia and I've been coughing up all kinds of fun stuff for the last 8 days. I may have caught it from Lou of all people. I went to visit her almost 2 weeks ago and she was coughing it up big time. When I was leaving from visiting her, I leaned over and kissed her forehead and she was coughing up through her trach. As I think about it now, that is what most likely got me. But Lou is still hanging in there. God Bless her... She is still trying to live and is battling like no one I've ever met outside of Terri.
Well, it hasn't been all doomsday here. I am happy to say that my nephew Tony and his wife are the proud parents of a baby boy. And the most touching part is that they named the little guy after me and my father. His name is not Mik but my middle name Xavier. Talk about disarming and getting all choked up... oh wait! That's just me coughing up another lung oyster!

Surviving...

Once again, I appreciate the concern and prayers from all of you. Lou is still battling. Her breathing is better. She was moved to a long term hospital facility. We just gotta figure out about her mental status. That is the really hard part. But that is in God's hands now. I am wore out and Terri is about ready to drop as well. This is really been difficult on all of us but no one ever said any of it was going to be a breeze. Like the saying goes... Faith makes things possible... not easy. But faith is what I have and that is what I will continue to follow and adhere to... Right now I'm just putting one foot in front of the other. And trying to fight off what may be bronchitis... Life is such a hoot! Just please keep us in your prayers and I will try to update here a bit more frequently than I have been. I don't facebook... I don't tweet. I just do this and keeping up with this is a challenge most of the time. I appreciate your patience with me. Spent a much needed weekend with the gal pal. I got very invigorated by simply laying on the couch with my head on her lap and her running her fingers through my hair, telling me that we're going to get through all of this stuff happening. I fell asleep knowing that no matter what, we were going to be okay. Maybe not super fantastic, but sometimes okay is good enough...

Go For The Throat...

Hi Y'all,
Thanks for being patient and understanding. I haven't even given this blog a thought. And yet I know that there are some good friends here. People who care. People who pray for me and my family. People that are good and decent people. Helen, I'm glad that you got good news on Ken. I know it'll take time, but it will get better for him. I thank God for that. I appreciate all the kind words from Bucko, Carolyn, Indigo, Melanie, Guido, and everyone else that has stopped by here to check on me and my dopey little corner of the blogosphere. We're still battling with Lou. She had to have a tracheotomy done and that seems to have helped her with air exchange. But she still is terrified and gets antsy and easily agitated. She's just flat out scared. We try to calm her down, but most times it's to no avail... but she has been out of it most of the time since the trach was put in. She sleeps a lot more. Her heart seems to be a tad better. I think the family is doing a little better as a whole. This has kicked our butts to say the least. But like a timex, we take a lickin' and keep on tickin'... Thanks again for your prayers... They are deeply appreciated...

Down For the Count

Well, so much for getting better...

Lou was rushed to the hospital Monday morning. She stopped breathing and during the course of getting her breathing again, she had a heart attack. They managed to save her but she is out of it. She has heart damage, she'll need to have a tracheotomy, and of course her kidneys have shut down. She's in ICU on a vent. It's going to be a L-O-N-G road to go... if she makes it... I'm praying that she does... She has a lot to live for... but it's in God's hands now...